sense memories
I heard there's two responses to everyday anxiety: overfunctioning and underfunctioning. I've vacillated between the two in the past few weeks. The problem is that when I'm on an 'overfunctioning' roll or in a writing flow, it's usually interrupted by a toddler. And when I'm 'underfunctioning' I'm racked with guilt that I'm not writing. Turns out that never really goes away even during a global pandemic when you have zero childcare.
I made a goal to be able to do a yoga headstand before 'this' is all over. I'm not sure why I make these small, meaningless goals. I think I just need things to check off to feel like I'm doing something? The productivity trap again. I fell and absolutely smashed my ankle and almost broke a window the first time I practiced, so it's going well so far. I ordered five or six different types of masks. I figure we'll be wearing them for a while and I'm now keeping one in my car, one in my purse, a few around the house- like lip balms or hair ties.
I watched 'Everyday People' - a sweet, small film about (everyday people) in New York from 2004. It felt incredibly prescient. We also started watching the HBO series 'How to Make it in America' - another nostalgia trip to New York, this time in 2010. It is absolutely terrible- like a way, way worse Entourage that is taking itself too seriously. Bad writing, misogynistic, nonsensical- but we can't stop and there music in it is a fun trip back to 2010 featuring Cut Copy etc. and cameos from people like Leigh Lezark from Misshapes. Anyway, thankfully there's only 16 episodes total so we don't have to torture ourselves for too long. I recommend it!
On high rotation at home has been Waxahatchee's new album Saint Cloud. I hope I can return to it in years to come and enjoy it, and that it doesn't just incite a traumatic sense memory.
The two biggest questions in the Facebook Mum's group I'm in currently are:
- where to pee when you leave the house for longer trips like the beach/ hike etc. since public bathrooms are shut
- where to move to when this is all over (Boise, Portland, Austin and Maine seem to be top of the list)
John is getting into fermenting. First it was kimchi and now he's making trying kombucha. I made the perfect Smitten Kitchen strawberry cake. Ferments vs baking feels so gendered lol
Something I loved was the Michelle Obama doc on Netflix. It was inspiring and joyful and hopeful. I sobbed. She had a quote in it about not reducing people to "...stats but stories. Not what college you went to, but what was your grandfather like? Who is your favorite relative and why?" I love that question- who is your favorite relative and why? 'Never Have I Ever' is also really cute and funny. It reminded me of something I haven't thought about in years- how my parents threatened to move us back to India and put us in boarding school as punishment for misbehavior. I remember being a teen like "wtf I don’t wanna move to India". First-Gen kids really get dragged to hell.
Before this started I went to a naturopath and found out that I was scarily vitamin D deficient. I asked her if it was the lowest she'd ever seen and she said "not quite, one woman I saw was lower" so that was not reassuring. Anyway, I've been taking supplements for 2 months now and I feel better. I didn't even realize that how I was feeling before wasn't normal? PSA: Get your bloods done!
Sometimes I feel bad and guilty for writing this newsletter because it seems so pithy and privileged and pointless. There are people dying. I can't believe we're not seeing the faces of those who have passed on the news every day like we would a terrorist attack, and hearing about their lives and their stories. Maybe I just haven't been seeking it out but there feels like there's been a real dehumanization to all of this. But yesterday, I read about a Sikh family in the NYT magazine that hit so hard. It went into the details of the family and told their story and how they couldn't mourn collectively. It's so easy to get caught up in the day-to-day and what is of immediate concern to myself and my family (which I feel no guilt about) but the scale at which people are dying is not something I want to get used to. I'm working every day to do the next right thing and make donations and supporting businesses that need it. It's tough times y'all. The lows are low.
Hmmm, this dispatch is a bit of a bummer *shrug emoji* We're going to a farm to pick blueberries this weekend. So, that's something!