This week, I went to two back-to-back breathwork classes (unplanned) and my daughter started kindergarten (planned).
The first was at The Soundbath Center in Eagle Rock. It's described as "a powerful fusion of rhythmic breathwork and a sound bath. This experience sparks mental and emotional clarity, physical relaxation, and expanded awareness." Can confirm. After all the requisite information about what would unfold over 90 minutes, we were asked to pick out a set of Egyptian crystal healing rods (?) from a basket to hold for the remainder of class.
While breathing (“belly, chest, passive exhale” at varying speeds and intensity) we were asked questions like “What do you want more of in your life? Call that in”. Then for a song, we were asked to think about what the word “trust” meant to us. At first I held back the emotion that started bubbling up. I wanted to cry but I felt too self-conscious- I didn’t want the teacher or anyone else in the room to hear or see that (cue: Lisa Kudrow in The Comeback "I don't need to see that!"). Fast forward a few minutes and I’m sobbing. It felt like a much-needed, deep release. I could hear the young woman next to me crying too. She was new to breathwork and had been gifted the session by a friend. Happy birthday, go unblock some trauma.
A few songs and a lot of breathing later, what was coming up for me started to take shape. Over the past year, my daughter was under the care of someone who repeatedly dismissed my concerns and ultimately, betrayed my trust and lied. What felt worse than all that was that I ignored my intuition, again and again. At times, I have fallen prey to trying to life-hack my way out of the inevitable, difficult parts of parenting. By thinking that if I just do enough research, befriend other parents who are "in-the-know" and trawl enough posts in Facebook Mum’s groups that I can avoid disappointments and always make the best decision for my child. *wrong answer buzzer* Of course you can't because rec’s are just rec’s (Confucius, probably). A great choice for someone might not be reflective of your experience. I know I’m skirting around the specifics of my situation and it’s because they don’t really matter, the point was that I was holding on to it and my body was stuck in a damaging, feedback loop of regrets. In the end, my child is fine, totally fine. Through the breathwork, I felt like I was giving myself permission to let go.
Back to class: Then we were asked to focus on the word “gratitude” and to think of people in our life we were grateful for and finally to think of the word “release” as we breathed deeply through the last song before transitioning to the blissful soundbath. At the end of class, I was informed that I was holding the ‘Star’ healing rods which are “extra intense” (LFG!). I left feeling raw and cracked open and really, really tired. I signed up for the following month as soon as I got home.
The next morning, still groggy and coming down from the night before’s session, I hauled ass across town for 'The Class' with founder Taryn Toomey followed by ‘Holotropic breathwork’ led by a breathwork expert. Less than 12 hours after sobbing, I was back on my bullshit. I've been doing The Class online for a while but this was my first time in-person. What I really love about the workout is how you're encouraged to use sound to release energy. Hearing all these taut, toned Santa Monica women let out guttural, animalistic sounds that seemed like the antithesis to their zipped-up everyday personas was really powerful. It’s pent up energy and if you don’t let that shit out when your body tells you to, it gets trapped.I thought I might be nervous or shy but I was screaming honey!
The tears came, more easily this time. They were accompanied by something new for me- the lobster claw hand!!!!!!- or tetany, if you're being scientific. It can be caused by holding onto unconscious, “stuck” energy or the need for control. Technically speaking, it's connected to Co2 levels dropping and a rise in blood pH levels. It's not dangerous but it felt scary. I literally could not move my hands out of the warped shape they were stuck in. I had to just breathe through it. The breathwork instructor touched my feet softly and whispered "what is it time for you to let go of?”
I thought about my daughter starting kindergarten and how much was about to change. Right now, she still finds me in the crowd of parents during gymnastics class and waves and isn’t too cool to blow me kisses. To friends, she says “my Mom” but she still calls me “Mama”. I thought about the caregiver and trust and about the lobster claw hands and all the fear and vulnerability I feel around losing control. I didn’t cry on her first day because I think I had released all of the emotion I could for the week (and then some). I was ready and I knew she was ready.
Tired: Always defaulting to ‘Big Thief Radio’ on Spotify because you can’t think of anything else to listen to.
Wired: On a recent trip with friends to upstate New York, someone was tasked with putting on “some music” as others pottered about the kitchen. Nick introduced me to this genius app where you pick a country and a decade and it plays you music from there and then. We were loving “Argentina 60s/ 70s”!
How Do You Measure A Year?
In this intimate, Oscar-nominated documentary short, Jay Rosenblatt films his daughter Ella on her birthday from age 2 to 18, asking her the same series of questions. The premise is deceptively simple but in just under half an hour, you heart will burst as you watch her grow and change. There are certain years where the shifts are particularly stark- like when Ella really loses that babyish quality (between 4 & 5… sob) or the years when she seems more camera-shy or when she gets sullen and eye-rolly at her Dad (14).
Wes Anderson’s Secret Weapon: The Camera Moves of Sanjay Sami
Interesting piece about Wes Anderson’s dolly grip Sanjay Sami, who resides in Mumbai and got his start working in Bollywood. Sami has worked closely with Anderson since “The Darjeeling Limited” when he impressed the filmmaker by devising a way to fit a dolly into the narrow old rail cars they used as a set, “I think what he likes about working with me is that I hate saying no to anything”.
These sandals are hardly a secret- the Olsen twins love ‘em- but I just copped and I feel a bit evangelical about them. They’re so light and comfy and $40! I want an Amazon subscription (or something, you know, less evil) for a pair every summer.
Speaking of… it’s the time of year when I medically need to inject some excitement to my water. I love this recipe because it’s so hydrating while also delivering minerals to my body. Like a delicious, healthy version of Gatorade.
Ayurvedic Rehydration Drink (recipe by Divya Alter)
1/8 tsp. cumin seeds
2 cups spring water
1 tbsp. fresh lime juice
2 tsp. fresh mint (chopped)
1 tsp. raw sugar
2 small pinches of soma salt
Optional: 1/8 tsp. ground nutmeg
Dry-toast cumin seeds over medium-low heat for 1 minute until they release aroma. Remove from heat a crush in a mortar. Blend all ingredients briefly in a blender. Strain through cheesecloth or nut milk bag. Serve at room temperature. (don’t get my going on the American obsession with ice)