body's choice
I recently attended a retreat in the mountains of Pennsylvania led by Jungian analyst and co-host of one of my favorite podcasts- Lisa Marchiano of This Jungian Life. The podcast has been having a bit of a moment lately. A large part of the appeal (as with most discussion-based podcasts) is the dynamic of the three hosts- all Jungian analysts and old friends. They are not just incredibly smart and thoughtful but are able to gently disagree as they navigate topics such as narcissism, heartbreak, shopping, integrating shadow, anger and schadenfreude. At least once an episode, I have a jaw-dropping moment of recognition or hearing something articulated that I had previously thought was an isolated experience.
There were twenty-two women at the retreat ranging in age from 21 to 71 years old. Women on the verge of separating from partners, those about to embark on new careers, moving cities and navigating health crises. For one group exercise we sat in a circle in age order which was surprisingly moving. It’s so rare to gather inter-generationally in modern life. I imagined every woman around the circle had conflicted feelings about her age and how much she felt she had attained the things we all want, regardless of how old we are- approval, control, safety, separation.
Having never lived anywhere with four distinct seasons, I didn't believe that Autumn leaves could change color overnight but they did. We walked to yoga at sunrise cupping our winter breath, past fields of countless spiderwebs covered in morning dew. We watched the moon rise over the mountains as we sat around a crackling fire sharing stories, poems, wine and tears. Then we let out a collective howl. There were women there who read tarot cards and our faces (a literal trained Chinese face reader).
We did a ‘dream incubation’ one night which was one of my favorite parts of the retreat. I’ve usually found it boring to talk about dreams (duh) but at the retreat, it was really interesting. I learned you could ask your subconscious very specific questions (if you want to learn more about how, I highly recommend this book which is a slim volume and will teach you all you need to know about dream incubation). The idea is that your subconscious is trying to have a dialogue with you but we do many things that block the communication channel so that messages can’t come through. Through dreamwork, breathwork, meditation, sandplay (!!) and other things, we clear the channels so that feelings can come to the surface and provide the answers we seek. Lisa suggested writing down observations in the morning while still in the dreamlike state between waking and sleeping. At home this isn’t always possible, especially when my daughter wakes me up by belly flopping on our bed crying “I’m hungryyyyy”l. But I tried to stay in this liminal space while at the retreat.
I was on the fence about going before I left- I didn’t know anyone there and it was a huge pain in the ass to get to. I left with new friends in Bethesda, D.C., the Berkshires, North Carolina, Philly, Boston, and Bisby, AZ, and a total Jung convert. I lost count of how many women had told me that being in analysis changed their life. A few seemed to agree that age was a good qualifier - “the older the better. My analyst is in her 90s! She doesn't use a computer”. I made appointments with a handful of Jungian analysts in LA to see if we’d be a good fit (i.e. to see if they could also change my life!!!). I whittled it down to the top three but then felt stuck so I listened to the This Jungian Life episode on ‘Indecision’. I’ve been seeing her for about six weeks and it’s the much-needed change from traditional talk therapy (“so, how was your week?”) that I needed.
Speaking of our subconscious, a friend told me about how she goes away with a group of women where they do this thing called “body's choice”. It takes the pressure off trying to *maximize* every moment of their time away. Does body want to sleep in? Great. Does body want to go on a hike? Do it. Does body want to watch TV for three hours? Done. Does body want to go to a restaurant *alone* (despite being on a group trip) and eat at the bar with a book? Sounds good. I love this idea because I fall squarely into the category of a maximizer- every meal needs to be at the best place, what’s the next activity, where’s the best hike, have we visited that one museum that’s only open for three hours after lunch that someone’s friend sent them an email about with the subject line “this is a MUST”? The energy I am taking into winter and the holiday season is less ticking off of a mental to-do list and more body’s choice.
“Let’s just watch a bit of the first episode” a friend said to me about ‘Welcome to Plathville’. I was hooked. The description for the show is “The Plaths are a blonde, blue-eyed family of 11 in southeastern Georgia. They share a passion for music, religion, family life and traditional roles.” Wow do the seams quickly unravel as the squeaky-clean reality show takes major, unexpected turns and becomes a sprawling family drama about control, trauma, grief and people who should simply be in soooo much therapy (or at the very least listen to This Jungian Life, my god!).
In this poem, Ocean Vuong asks “what is it about a culture that uses these terms as the only recognizable way to sort of celebrate each other?”
I have scrolled too many gift-guide newsletters this week resulting in absolutely no desire to purchase. The one thing I did “add to cart” was this candle recommended by two separate friends and poog as the candle for that Christmas smell.
In my office, there’s a piece of paper pinned up with future gift ideas for my daughter. There are so many things I leave within her view or reach currently because she can’t read. On her wishlist was a locket for her birthday and I found the perfect one on Ottessa Moshfegh’s depop store (I am excited to see post-glow up/ new stylist Anne Hathaway in Eileen - based off Moshfegh’s debut novel). It is filled with odd items like this and this. She includes a personalized note with every locket and her shipping was surprisingly timely.
Making this stuffing (have been advised to sub leeks and add some fennel and fennel leaves) and this pie for Thanksgiving this week.
Clare de Boer’s Substack The Best Bit. She’s the chef of one of my favorite New York restaurants- King and also Stissing House in upstate NY that I cannot wait to try. I love her relaxed, no-nonsense approach to recipe-testing, e.g. from a ratatouille recipe- “Taste it again: Want it sweeter? Add a pinch of sugar. Want it brighter? Add a splash of red wine vinegar. Want it sweeter and brighter? Add a few drops of aged balsamic... but don’t tell the French!” Also, the fact that her island looks like this and she’s still able to whip up incredible homemade dishes from scratch.